We all have days when it feels like the world is against us.
I spent much of my life playing the role of victim. Blaming everyone and everything for the things that happened 'to me', my unhappiness, my dysfunctional relationships and my inability to progress in life. I really believed the whole world was against me.
But it was me, all along. It was my victim mentality that was keeping me stuck, unhappy and unable to thrive.
What is a Victim Mindset? It’s the belief that life is being done to you, that there’s something outside of us that determines our destiny, that determines our happiness and well-being.
Dates don’t always respond to our text messages, friends don’t always smile back at us when we smile at them, and strangers sometimes have upset looks on their faces. The question is: How do you interpret these situations? Do you take everything personally or do you consider that it’s more likely that your friend is just having a bad day, your new date is still interested but wants to play it cool, and the stranger on the street was angry about something and didn’t even notice you were there?
Those who have a perpetual victimhood mindset tend to believe that one’s life is entirely under the control of forces outside one’s self, such as fate, luck, or the mercy of other people.
These victim blame stories can become self-fulfilling prophecies, drawing into our lives the people and circumstances that justify and validate our victimhood. We are often unconscious of how we are harming ourselves by refusing to take self-responsibility for the issues going on in our life.
Some common signs of victimhood:
Putting yourself down constantly, even if you say you're just “joking”
Unable to look forward to anything about the future
Feelings of anger or resentful of others’ good fortune
Telling the same negative stories over and over
Minimizing positive events or good news, whether from yourself or others
Engaging in self-pity and have a strong sense of entitlement
Often defensive and sensitive to criticism
Lacking empathy for other people’s problems
Overly concerned about “keeping score” and fairness
Always has a reason why a proposed solution “would never work”
Preoccupied with past traumas
Individuals with a victim mindset often feel that people are untrustworthy or out to get them. Because of this, they keep their guard up, harping on negative events to avoid emotional vulnerability.
No one is born a victim. It's a type of learned helplessness. Often times people develop a victim mentality due to unmet needs as a child, or have suffered through trauma or hard times and were unable to develop a healthier way to cope.
Ironically, recognizing the symptoms of a victim mentality in your own life may make you feel more hopeless. Remember, though, that no one is born a victim. Victimhood is a learned pattern that helps us cope with trauma. The way to release it is to find other ways to make yourself feel safe and in control.
Take your life back in your hands.
Become aware of the victim within you. It's important to remember that very few of the things that we experience in life are personal. The people around you care for you, and they want you to do well in life. But more importantly, it’s critical that you value your own happiness and well-being.
Even if there's not one single thing that you can do to change your situation (although there probably is!) you can always control your attitude. Find meaning in the midst of the victim mentality, and the path forward will open.
Visit https://www.kimkaycoaching.com/work-with-me to schedule a free 60-minute coaching discovery call.
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